Ohidus Salam “Protik” Mia December 26, 1972 – November 8, 2009 November 21, 2009

by: Greg Wolff
“He’s not an emotional train-wreck, he’s not afraid, he doesn’t feel like he has unfinished business. He tells me that he has had a nice ride in life, has no regrets, and appears to be genuinely happy.”
Becky wrote these words as Pro lay on his deathbed, but they were true Pro for his entire adult life. He moved amongst us with a rare quality of finding humor and joy in each situation no matter how frustrating, comical, or desperate. This quality tied together the very different faces that Pro put on to connect with different people. Sweet and tender with his daughter Zoe and son Xander, determined and tough against opponents on the ultimate field, bawdy and quick-witted at parties, upstanding and composed in his professional life, thoughtful and realistic as a son born in Bangladesh and living in the US. Over the past few weeks and days we’ve seen hundreds of stories in emails, facebook, blogs and elsewhere. Hearing these stories you might think they were talking about many different people, not just the one very special person that was Pro. Though we miss the passing of this wonderful life we share our stories here to gain a fuller picture of this man and get to know his spirit even better through the telling and re-telling of our encounters from these many different perspectives.

Please visit Pro’s Cyber funeral site at www.protikmia.com

A little tex mex breakfast at home August 31, 2009

Each city I’ve lived in has some type of food dish that is unique to the area. Something that all of the locals eat and you can find easily in local restaurants, but go anywhere else in the country, and they don’t know what you’re talking about.

A few years in Austin were good to my tastebuds. The tex-mex is the unique item I took away from Austin. Breakfast Burritos and Migas come to mind. I’ve never seen Migas anywhere other than in Texas. Recently, the television show “Man vs. Food” did an episode in Austin and I was reminded of Migas and got the craving. I mentioned this to Becky and she was more than happy to oblige me.

Migas is a spanish word that means “crumbs” and is a good way to use leftover scraps, especially tortillas. The way you make them is you tear up a bunch of tortillas in to small strips and fry them in a pan with eggs, salsa, cream, chorizo, and smother the whole thing with melted cheese. Top with some hot peppers with side of gaucomole and beans. Go to town.

Here’s a picture of my half eaten breakfast from saturday morning, thanks Becky!

I’m not dead yet :-) August 26, 2009

Ok, I know it has been a very long time since I’ve posted something myself on to my own blog. I apologize for that. The past couple of months has been difficult for me. I’ve gone through some lows both physically and emotionally. I have not been able to accomplish much and didn’t want to post depressing news. Well, I’m starting to feel a little better and there are so many things I need to say and people I need to acknowledge. The support I’ve been getting is just phenomenal and means so much to me. I have so many people to thank… all of you who have visited and sent packages, Pete Schmansky for the amazing artwork, Bill Russo for letting us stay at your beachhouse and being a good friend right now. To my amazing family who have dedicated so much of themselves to me at this time.

I have experienced some lows recently which have opened my eyes on the topic of depression and anxiety. I’d never really had these feeling ever in my life as I’ve always led a pretty happy and fortunate existence. I now can understand how destructive it can be and how critically tied our emotional state is to our physical state of being. I’ve struggled with feeling defeated and challenges to my will to keep fighting. But, I know that if I throw in the towel mentally I will be doing the same physically. It is so important to keep spirits up and keep fighting strongly to keep the cancer from getting the best of me. I’ve come to grips with the fact that I am most likely going to die soon but I also know it is up to me to affect the quality and duration of my remaining life.

Anyways, I haven’t been eager to write as I wasn’t feeling in a great state of mind. But I know this is important. I want to keep people informed and I’d like to share, though I’m sorry to share such depressing thoughts. Hopefully I will have some happier news soon. On the brightside, I’m feeling good today. The clinical trial has been kicking my ass and makes me almost non-functional for a week or so after each treatment. I’m considering dropping out, but thought I’d give it some time to see how early results are. If it is doing me good, maybe it is best to just take the beatings. But at some point, I’m going to have to consider quality of life.

Recently, some old friends of mine held a “Pro Party” where they made video’s of each other telling stories about me. It was really sweet and was great to see some old friends and their new family additions. Thanks so much to those of you who contributed to these, they were great! There are a few of these being made in parallel. We will compile them together and post it all up soon.
In the meantime, I think I will also compose some posts of my own life experiences.

The kids have been handling all of this amazingly well. I’ve deteriorated enough in condition now that it is obvious to both Zoe and Xander that I am seriously sick. They both take it easy around me. Zoe is understanding what’s going on even though I haven’t had a direct conversation with her about exactly how bad it is. She asks questions that reveal her concerns that I may be dying. She understands that I have cancer and that it is a disease that can kill.
Xander simply gets that I’m sick and he needs to give me some space at times and not jump all over me like he used to. I have lost all of my hair now and dropped to about 140lbs, so physically they can also see the changes now. Zoe will be starting kindergarten next week and Xander just started a new full day pre-school.

We are now in the process of selling the casino in florida. We have it under contract and the buyer is performing a “due diligence” at the moment. This gives him a few weeks to go through my books before making a final decision. We are not too worried as it is a good investment and if Becky has to keep it, she is comfortable running it on her own. We didn’t even list it for sale to begin with, but had a couple of buyers fall in to our laps and decided to work with them.

We continue to live in my brothers house in Phoenixville, PA. Rash and Belinda have been our saints. We simply couldn’t get by without all of the help we are receiving from them. I also have plenty of other family nearby who are here regularly keeping me company. I really am greatful to have them all around now. I do miss all of our friends out west. The video’s you guys sent was really a treat.

That’s all for now, will write again soon.
- Pro

Update on Pro’ s Cancer Treatment August 21, 2009

It’s Becky again. I know it’s been a long time since you all got a real progress report on Pro, so I thought I would try to fill you in a bit.

Back in early May I believe Pro wrote a post explaining that he had decided against the available clinical trials, and that he was going with the chemo salad Dr. Teitelbaum had ordered. He took the Gem/Oxali/Tarceva for about 8 weeks.

During the treatment he got very sick and lost a lot of weight. If Pro keeps losing at this rate, my 6’ tall husband will weigh the same as his 5’3” wife in a couple of weeks. He also became very fatigued. He has some loss of use in his right leg that started months ago, and his pain is steadily increasing. But, Pro is an amazing fighter.

I want to give a pretty graphic example to illustrate Pro’s character because it really shows you what he’s made of. This past Monday, Pro came home from a treatment that had him up with dry heaves all night. I don’t remember him stopping once for more than 10 minutes without starting to heave again. It was bad. He’s on a medication that he takes for a couple of days post-infusion that seems to keep him from vomiting anything up. Unfortunately, however, it doesn’t keep him from having contractions and heaving. I should mention that the weight loss thing is a big issue. He’s pretty malnourished, and he needs the calories to enable him to continue the infusions (and thus the fight). So, in the middle of his heaving last night Pro kept asking me to feed him. He would literally take a few bites, heave, and then take a few more bites for hours on end. Imagine the longest you have ever been nauseated, and then remember that Pro has been feeling like that for about 4 months. After 4 months of constant nausea (along with the plethora of other horrors Pro is going through), I can assure you that most people wouldn’t have enough fight left in them to ask for food in that situation.

Okay, lets get back from the segue. So, after about 8 weeks of the initial treatment plan, Pro got a CT to check if there was any disease progression. The CT came back with mixed result. The nodules in the lungs had shrunk, and the Pancreatic tumor was about the same size that it had been. The lesions on his spine seemed to be manageable. And, most of the liver tumors had shrunk. But, there were also a couple of liver tumors that had grown significantly. And, well, that’s not a good thing (to say the least). So, Pro’s Dr. recommended he change his chemo regimen.

She recommended a Sorafenib / Irinotecan clinical trial at Penn. Unfortunately, Pro had to wait 6 weeks for all of the other chemotherapy drugs to clear out of his system before he could start the Irinotecan infusions, so there was a period there where he was without any treatment.

Three weeks ago he started his Irinotecan infusions, and he takes a Sorafenib tab 2x daily. Almost immediately after the 1st infusion, he lost all of his hair. And, he went through a pain spike that scared the crap out of me.

Pancreatic cancer is very painful. Pro had been managing his pain with Oxycontin, and slowly increasing the doses to keep up with increased tolerance and disease progression. At one point, the doctors decided to give him a pain block (kill some nerve endings in the spine permanently so that you can’t feel pain in certain parts of the body). Before they can take that permanent step, they first do a diagnostic block that only works for a few weeks at various levels of pain relief. Pro had the diagnostic block a few weeks before his 1st Irinotecan infusion. But, when he went back for the permanent block, there was some sort of scheduling snafu, and he couldn’t have the procedure done that day. So, they re-scheduled him for a couple of weeks later. Well, when the diagnostic wore off, Pro’s pain spiked. He tried to manage it by increasing his Oxycontin doses, until he started to have some pretty scary side effects from the overdose. To make matters worse, it still wasn’t enough. He was still in so much pain that he wanted more Oxyxontin. So, we ended up taking him to the ER for pain management where they admitted him for a few days. They got him on a ton of narcotics that held him over until he got the pain block, and then he started reducing down to lower doses. He’s still trying to reduce the dosage, but he’s on a lot of narcotics nonetheless. He’s much, much more comfortable now.

Today, he went in for a follow up on the pain block procedure, and the Dr. offered to use some acupuncture to try to alleviate some of the ridiculous nausea Pro had. Here’s a picture of my bald, beautiful hubby with a bunch of acupuncture needles in his ear ☺

Pro is still nauseated even as I sit here writing this post. But, through all of this his focus is amazing. He’s still his humorous (raunchy) and adorable self. But, his intensity hasn’t waned. He is determined to help me prepare for life without him. He spends so much of his very precious time trying to get the kids and I situated both financially and emotionally. It’s both heartwarming and heart-wrenching. Thank you, my love.

Anyhow, sorry for jumping all over the place. It’s 1:30am, and I’m too tired to try to pretty up my post.

As always, thank you all so much for your undying support. I can’t believe we’re still receiving care packages and well wishes. We are blessed to have such an incredible support group. Thank you.

Love,
Becky

Pin cushion Pro

Some updates on the family cancer battle July 14, 2009

Cancer sucks big time. But, it does help renew your confidence in the goodness of others.
Pro is absolutely amazing. His body is throwing all kinds of crap at him, but he is determined and strong. I would be an emotional blob of jello if I were him. But, Pro still has a great sense of humor, and he still hangs out with the family and even beats us at “H-O-R-S-E” on good days. The kids are doing well. Xander is blissfully unaware for the most part. Zoe is struggling a bit, but I believe she’s tougher than she knows.

The support we’ve gotten from friends and family is what makes all the difference in the world. To all of you guys who sent your emails, letters, comments, cookies & gifts- THANK YOU! To Jo, Greg, Sunita, etc who have spent countless tedious hours helping us to research and understand all of the treatments and trial options- thank you. To my in-laws that come with food and drinks and merriment to hang out on the weekends and keep the gregarious nature of my husband thriving- thank you. To Rash and Belinda who have opened up their home, their lives, their arms to us- thank you. To my parents, my family, and our friends who have come half way across the globe and shuffled around their lives to support us- thank you. All of the kinds words, the thoughts, and prayers…. they are meaningful and helpful – thank you.

This fight is far from over, and I know that without all of you both here by our sides and out there in cyberspace following along and sending your support, this would be overwhelming. You have my eternal gratitude. Keep it coming.
-Becky
PS- My favorites are the reminiscent anecdotes. Keep sending them to me. I’m going to bind them together and make a book for us to read together.

A post from way back in March July 14, 2009

I wrote a post in March and was going to put it up, but became consumed with Pro’s backache (which, of course we later found was cancer). I ended up never posting it, but thought that later, for our family, journaling it may be meaningful. So, here it is.
Another note from Becky

Pro hasn’t been updating his blog much now that our overseas adventure has ended, so I just want to write another update for those of you who follow this site to keep up with our family.

I miss the tropical beauty and healthy lifestyle of S. America. And, I especially miss Lourdes (our Ecuadorian Nanny). Nonetheless, I am very, very happy to be back in the first world. I hate to say it, but I am a product of the instant breakfast, instant lunch society.

I was starting to get extremely frustrated with the corruption abroad. I found it very hard to find people I could trust, and I had to keep constant guard over my family and our property because both the violent crime rates and petty theft rates are so high. And, I hate to say it, but I honestly felt like most of the people I met there would steal from their mother rather than work an honest day. But, most of all, I was lonely. It was really hard for me to make friends in Ecuador. Part of the problem was the language barrier, but more than that… I just didn’t find many people I hit it off with. I think if I had to do it again, I would live in el campo. The city is so dirty and corrupt. But, all of my visits to the country and to the coast were pleasant and memorable.

Zoe and Xander didn’t share my sentiments. Zoe was the most popular kid in school, and she loved it there. She was really bummed when we left. Xander still asks for some of his Ecuadorian friends by name. And, of course, they both loved Lourdes and Gabby. For them Lourdes was like having a super energetic adult who was always willing to give them her full attention. And, of course we all miss the awesome excursions and yummy foods. The weekends were full of hiking, waterfalls, hot springs, zip lines, ATVs and horseback rides. The kids still ask for Guanabana con leche and other healthy treats. I really miss that I could get a healthy, delicious almuerzo or merienda for only $1.50 from Luzmila around the corner. It was always a delicious soup followed by rice, a main dish, and salad, and it was always served with a fresh smoothie and yummy hot sauce.

And, I miss the Hidalgo family. They were wonderful. I often felt that if even a fraction of the people I met in Ecuador were as kind, honest, and generous as this family, I would have settled there in a heartbeat. They always went above and beyond to help, and were like family to us. Anita always had amazing meals and nice conversations. She was like my Ecuadorian mother. Kico, Alicia, and their kids were indispensable. I don’t know how we would have gotten along without them. And, I think I would have become very close to both Alicia and Nadia if we had stayed. I really respect them both a lot. I just wish I were more fluent in Spanish.

And, Gaby, if you’re reading… of course we miss having you guys too. Our “staff” of interpreters, Spanish teachers, etc. was also a nice bonus we could never afford here. I couldn’t have survived without their help in the workplace, and as my emotional support.

All in all, I think taking a small world tour and then settling in Ecuador for a short time was nice. And, for the moment, we still own a home there, so I’m sure we will be back to visit. It’s a wonderful vacation spot. I just don’t want to live abroad again until the kids are grown.

Florida (lots of boring kid stuff ):

Owning and operating our new business was rough at first, but I think we’re getting in a groove. Stuart is a beautiful town. My only real complaint is the demographic. We are pretty much surrounded by retirees and snowbirds. I play soccer a few nights a week with a younger crowd (I’ve pretty much retired from ultimate Frisbee), but I haven’t really broken into their inner circle yet. The team started with only sisters, cousins, nieces, sisters-in-law, etc, and so they’re all really tight. I am a bit of an outsider. Plus, they’re all hispanic, so there’s a little bit of a cultural barrier. My kids love that crowd, though. There are lots of kids their age at the fields.

Zoe is playing soccer in the YMCA league, and it’s adorable. She’s not very good at it, but she loves it. She has decent ball control, but she’s really, really slow. And, she doesn’t like to take the ball from people. She kind of runs up to them and looks at them as if she wants to ask if she can take it. Even with the age and size difference, I think Xander is more coordinated and better at it than her. He’s already a pretty strong athlete, but he’s too young for the league. The poor little guy wants to play on her team so badly.

Xander has always been really great with gross motor skills. He could ride a bike at 1 yr of age, but all the bikes were huge for him. He’s 2, and he hits a baseball better than Zoe. He’s got mad skills, but there really aren’t any leagues for him in any sports. That’s okay, though because his social skills are still not great. He probably wouldn’t be much of a team player. He’s still a bully.

For the summer, I am enrolling Zoe in gymnastics camp, and I’ll be able to do “Mommy and me” classes with Xander there as well. As uncoordinated as Zoe is in field sports, I can’t figure it out, but she’s amazing on monkey bars. I think she should get into trapeze. Our monkey bars have different types of swings that hang down from them, and Zoe invents some pretty incredible trapeze stunts off of them. She makes all my friends and neighbors cringe, but I’ve gotten used to it. And, I know she can handle it. I will try to get Pro to take some videos of her dismounting from the monkey bars upside down by wrapping her legs around the wires and flipping over to slide with her legs and land on the ground.

Pro is playing basketball in a men’s league, and seems to really like it. He hurt his back pretty badly, and is still recovering, but he still manages to hit the courts. He seems to like a lot of the guys in that crowd, so I’m hoping we’ll make some social connections through those guys.

Unfortunately, there’s not much more to our lives. We are consumed by work, and with each of us in sporting activities a few nights a week, there’s not time for much else in our lives.

Luckily, our work is pretty interesting. You meet a lot of interesting characters in our line of business. I’ll leave those types of posts for Pro. I just wanted to write something up for the few of you who want family and kid updates.

Chao for now,
Becky

Our little athlete May 12, 2009

Quick flick of Xander showing off his swimming and climbing:

At the pool: (you can also see Zoe swimming in the background here)

on the wall:

and,

1 Week in to Chemo May 11, 2009

Just a quick update…..

I had my first round of Chemotherapy just over a week ago.
We decided on a treatment regimen of 3 chemo drugs: Gemcitabine + Oxyliplatin + Tarceva.
This is not a clinical trial, but it is a somewhat non-standard treatment protocol.
My doctor has had some success with this and recommended it for me after we deliberated over our findings on the clinical trials.
At the end of the day, we discarded all of the clinical trials for various reasons. Mainly, those that were most promising required “randomization”. This means there would be a 50% chance I would get a placebo instead of the actual trial drug. In addition, trials are focused more on the experiment than on the patient, and as such, have requirements that are not always in the patients best interest. For example, your dosage levels and dates are pre-determined and do not get adjusted based on response. There were also delays associated with entering trials and so forth. At the end, there was no trial that had compelling enough results to outweigh the disadvantages. The Gem+OX+Tarceva seemed just as promising as any ongoing trial with no risk of placebo or other associated problems of clinical trials, so we went that direction.

My reaction to the Chemo was primarily a lack of appetite, nausua, and fatigue. Strong at first and slowly getting a bit better every day. After about a week I felt pretty good again. The nice thing about this regimen is I only get the therapy once every two weeks, so I get some good days in before getting zapped again.

At this point (10 days after treatment), I’m back to a full appetite and getting around just fine. I’m still jacked up pretty good on painkillers, but I’m comfortable.

I’m starting now to think about my to-do lists and actually motivated towards productivity. I haven’t felt good enough to even think about doing anything useful for a few weeks now, so this is a big step forward, at least in mental outlook for me. THis is timely as I still haven’t done my taxes !#@#!
Becky just left for Florida this morning to clear us out of our rental house there. We gave our 30 day notice and were mostly moved out already, so it’s just a few loose ends at this point. Xander and Zoe started in preschool at the local YMCA here in Phoenixville this morning.

I got to see a lot of my old high school friends who are still in the area last weekend. It’s really such a trip in time to hang out with people you haven’t seen in 20 years. Amazing how you can still see the same personality and spirit within people, just as you remembered them, after all those years. I got asked the question “How do you just buy a casino?” a few times. Reminds me that I had been wanting to write a post that was a step-by-step summary of the process. I will put that on my “to-do” list for my next blog post

Anyways, I just wanted to say…. Treatment started. I’m doing good. Thanks for checking in.

- Pro

Getting ready for the fight April 27, 2009

Gloves are on, fists are up. The diagnosis of metastatic pancreatic cancer has been confirmed through biopsies. If you’ve never had a biopsy, it ain’t a lot of fun. Imagine trying to pick a specific seed from the center of an unopened watermelon with a needle. Now, you can’t see in the watermelon, but you are allowed to take x-rays periodically to see if your needle is on the right track. So, you do a trial and error process of jamming the needle a little further in and taking an X-ray (actually, a CT-Scan). Now, imagine there are vital organs in the watermelon that you need to avoid with the needle as you search for your seed. Now, replace watermelon with your chest and abdomen. And replace seed with a growth on your pancreas. That’s basically the idea. As for the report last post that the growth on my liver was benign, well that wasn’t really true. It turns out they didn’t get the growth itself and had accidentally grabbed a piece of the liver tissue, so it didn’t show the cancer.

I now know I’ve got it for sure, so focus is now directed at finding the best possible treatment. Pancreatic cancer’s standard treatments have historically had very low success rates. The standard approved treatment for metastatic type is to use a chemotherapy drug known as Gemcitabine. Under this treatment median life expectancy is in the 6-month range.
This is why we are pursuing clinical trials; in the hope that one of the not-yet-approved techniques will at least give me a fighting chance.
I want to again thank everyone who has has written to me along with all of the sincere offers to help out.
Two people in particular, Jo Adamkewics and Greg Wolff, offered to help me research clinical trial options.
I thought that would be quite helpful, but couldn’t have possibly imagined the amount of effort they have since put it. It has made huge impact on my ability to understand and choose the best possible treatment approach. Following website: http://pro.rfbf.org outlines the various clinical trials they have been researching for me. My brother, Rash and my wife, becky, have been helping me sort through the information and do the groundwork here in Philly to see all of the right people to get in on the trials. I am also under consultation of a very highly respected Oncologyst at Upenn, Dr. Ursina Teitelbaum. Dr. Teitelbaum has been very helpful in getting me information, responding to questions, and connecting us with the right people to further pursue the various trails available. I don’t think I could have possibly been more prepared in just a few days to make this decision.

We have narrowed down to top 3-4options. I have meetings this week with the top 3 and will most likely make a decision by end of week and get in to a treatment program asap. These are at UPenn, Beth Israel in NYC, and Fox Chase (also in Philly).

On the bright side, I’ve really enjoyed seeing all of my family despite the circumstances. The support I’ve gotten is overwhelming. My two brothers, Rash and Dipok, are like Rocks of Support. I know I can count on them for anything. My sister Rehana, has made significant preparations to her house to put us up for the past several days. Rest of the family has been coming in daily for around the area and it’s been just great to have them around. My nephew, Tanvir, works in finance/accounting and is helping me to organize my business operations for remote control and will help becky to continue this if/when my capacity deminishes.

The kids are having a great time with thier cousins. My physical condition is deteriorating a good bit, but I’m hopeful that when I start treatment I will see improvements and be able to function at a higher level. Last weekend I took the kids fishing and spent a day at the YMCA swimming with them. Xander is able to swim a good 3-4 yards without help. He knows to hold his breath but hasn’t grasped comming up for air yet. So he can go as far as possible on one breath before he starts to drown. Zoe is still like a fish in the water. I guess it’s like riding a bicycle.

A few weeks ago, Zoe had expressed an interest in going fishing “for real”. I don’t think I’ve fished more than 3 times in my life, but if that’s what she wants, it’s what she gets. We did a shopping trip to Walmart to buy all of the gear I thought we would need. Rods, hooks, sinkers, bait, net etc. We caught two little fish in about an hour. We put them in a bucket of water on the dock. Xander proceeded to catch one of the fish out of the bucket with the net and screamed “I got it.! I did it!”.

Becky has been a trooper with everything she has had to manage lately. I’m so lucky to have her. I couldn’t imagine going through something like this alone. Honey, if you’re reading, I love you and am so grateful not just for what you are doing for me now, but everything you have always given me in our life together. For supporting me through all of my non-conventional and whimsical life decisions and being such a great mother and wife through so many ever-changing situations.

I’ve gotten so many words of wisdom from various sources that stay in my head:
“Chin up, stay positive”
“You are not a statistic, you are an individual. Forget about the statistics”
“With everything you are worried about, I hope you also worry about who won the padres game and what the weather will be like tommorrow”
“The outcome to any event is always uncertain as long as we keep trying. It’s when we stop trying that the outcome becomes more certain.”
“I hope your next report goes like this: Hey just found out that the pancreatic cancer will be exiting my body via my rectum within 24 hours, and that I will now have an immunity to all other forms of cancer. I am pretty sure this will be the case. “

And many more….

Thanks and keep’m coming. Will write again when I have a decision made on treatment plan.
Love, Pro

My Initial Indications of Cancer April 18, 2009

Some of you may have seen my recent facebook status updates indicating that I have been diagnosed with cancer. I sent the notes from a hospital bed on my cellphone between various tests and procedures during a 3 day stay at Martin Memorial. The responses to my status and many private messages really helped me through those few days. They really meant a lot, thanks. Even those of you I haven’t spoken to in over 20 years, I was so glad to have you think about me and take the time to send me a note.

I’m sorry I did not give much detail during those days as it was difficult due to my condition and lack of computer/internet. I was released from the hospital today and wanted to update all with my status and some details of how I got to that point.

This all started a few months ago with the symptoms of lower back and abdominal pain. I went to multiple doctors for various tests, but noone suspected, tested for, or diagnosed cancer. I was playing in a basketball league right up until my tuesday night game this week. I was going through physical therapy because the orthopedic throught I had some disc disease that was causing the pain. Over time, my abdominal pain became more severe and dominated over the back pain. I knew there was something else wrong. I went to a GI doctor, but before he got done with his tests, I developed excruciating pain in my abdomen and checked myself in to the emergency room.

At that point, I was given a CT Scan of my abdomen. This revealed growths on my pancreas and my liver. The doctors told me this was very likely to be pancreatic cancer that has spread to the liver, but they would need to do more tests to be sure including bloodwork and a biopsy. Both were done the next day, but the Biopsy would take some time to return results. The bloodwork came back showing very strong indications of cancer in the pancreas. At this point, the oncologyst told me I had pancreatic cancer and that the biopsy was a formality at that point that would just confirm what they already know. He even scheduled me for a port to be inserted for chemotherapy. I began to resign myself to this. Pancreatic cancer is extremely life threatening, one of the worst types you can get. 95% of those diagnosed die within 5 years. The doctor told me mine was very advanced, stage 4, and with good luck I may live another year or two. He was telling me straight up that I was going to die from this.

It was at this point I updated my facebook status confirming that I had pancreatic cancer and started planning for how to deal with this. My primary thoughts surrounded how to make sure my wife and kids would be setup for life without me.

Meanwhile we still awaited the biopsy. Now, the biopsy was taken from the liver, not the pancreas. This is because the liver is much more easily accessed and doctors were assuming the growths on the liver had spread from the pancreas. But, then something strange happened. The biopsy came back benign!
Now, this gives me a glimmer of hope, but I’m certainly not out of the woods. The doctors still believe I most likely have advanced pancreatic cancer, but now there is a possibility that it has not yet spread to the liver. It is also so puzzling enough that it is giving me some hope. I don’t have any of the risk signs associated with pancreatic cancer and no hereditary disposition that I know of. It would be really wierd that I would get this disease at my age. Also, the bloodwork showed I most likely had colon cancer as well. But a colonoscopy also came back negative. Is it possible the Cancer markers showing pancreatic cancers signs were also wrong ? The CT Scans and the bloodwork are still pointing at pancreatic cancer but I’m hanging on a thread of hope.. The doctors have ordered a 2nd biopsy. This time they are going directly after the growth on the pancreas. I will have this done on tuesday and should have results by end of next week.

Although there’s a glimmer of hope, doctors are still speaking quite pessimistically and fully expecting the biopsy to show cancer, but feel the 2nd biopsy must be done to make a conclusive diagnosis. The bright side is that now the cancer may be isolated to the pancreas rathar than spread to the liver. This opens up new options for treatment. If the cancer had spread, than surgical removal would not be an option and I would be religated to chemotherapy. If it is isolated to the pancreas, than a surgical process to cut out the cancer may be an option.

Unfortunately, I do not live in a location with great cancer treatment centers readily available. Also, I do not have many friends or any family in the area as we recently relocated here. If I do have the pancreatic cancer, I will most likely relocate to Philadelphia and admit myself to UPenn hospital which has more advanced equipment and experience in fighting high risk cancers, and where I have several family members living nearby.

Many things are racing through my head right now. I have two young children that I want to prepare for life given the possibility that I may have a short time remaining. I want to make sure my wife and kids will be provided for. I want to make sure I make the best of any remaining time. My father past away before he ever met my wife and kids and that always makes me sad to think of. Now, I realize I may miss so many of the stages of my kids lives. My son is only 2 and is adopted. He loves me to death right now. But will he even remember me ? Will he even care about the non-biological father he never knew ?

I just started a new business a few months ago. I sunk what was left of my nestegg in to it. The investment was good, but what if I’m not around to run it ? Is this what I really wanted to leave my family with ? A business she has no interest in running in a state where she has no friends and family ? What do I do with it now ? How can I run it while I’m going through chemotherapy ? Will it go to hell and suck up the few last dimes I have left to leave for my family ?

These are the things I’m thinking of now. I know I need to be positive, know I’m going to beat this cancer, and focus all of my energy on that. I just hate to leave the world without leaving my family in a strong position.

The well wishes I have recieved from around the globe have meant the world to me. I had a few things I wanted to do with my life recently. I wanted to adopt a baby, to travel the world and live in a 3rd world country. I also wanted to own my own business. These were thoughts that started years ago, and I took the chances, worked the processes, and made them happen. I did it. And, possibly just in the nick of time. I’m proud of myself for this. I have no regrets about how I lived my last few years. Sieze the time you have to do what you have always wanted to do! If I instill one thing in my kids in my remaining time, it will be just that. Decide what you want for yourself and just go do it. It may work out or it may not, but you won’t have any regrets.

Keep your warm thoughts coming. They really do mean so much to me at this time. I am a bit isolated here in florida and it feels so good to know I have friends all over the country and planet who are with me through this. I will continue to update my status here. I hate to sound so depressing in some sections of this post, but I am putting my heart out there for you. There is no reason to hold it back.